IKEA

Yesterday  I broke my own rule: I went to Ikea on a Sunday. I beat Jeff at monopoly at brunch, and we had some significant victory conditions on the line – if he won, home for a hangover nap; if i won we’d go get ourselves a Christmas tree. Last year Jeff surprised me when I came home one night to a decorated Ikea tree – it was the best thing to happen all season, and it’s presence alone made our (loud, frustrating, freezing) apartment a little more tolerable. But somehow in the past 11 months, we seem to have misplaced that fake little tree. So off we went for tree #2.

Ikeas all over the world are pretty chaotic, set up as dizzying labyrinths of everything you could possibly want in any size apartment or house. The maze-like design just makes it worse – you MUST navigate through sofas and bureaus and bathroom fixtures even if all you want is a mixing bowl.

So please, just imagine this average-Ikea chaos and multiply it by mobs of pushing, line cutting, frantic Chinese people. Then double that because it’s the weekend and entire families make a day of this place. With regards to Ikea I don’t even feel bad generalizing – in Chengdu the customers are nuts. It might be something in the soft serve, because I swear everyone in there is brandishing at least 2 cones.

My desire for to set up our apartment for Christmas outweighed my fear of an Ikea Sunday. Besides, the Christmas decorations are situated right before the check-out lines, so I figured we could enter through the exit and avoid most of the madness.

But then Jeff decided we should plunge deeper into the beast, to look for “inspiration” for our guest room – a room that’s drabness really bothers Jeff  for some reason when he’s getting dressed in there every morning.

Where my protests failed to deter him, the sheer directional flow of people did. It became clear by the first frames-and-flowers section that we WOULD be trampled by shopping carts if we continued. So we retreated, only to end up in one of the 20 checkout lines that don’t resemble lines as much as packs of people trying to defeat the purpose of a line. A cart full of Christmas spirit helped me stay calm, but I got nervous when Jeff almost came to blows with a little old lady who decided she could start putting her stuff, and her body, on our cart. Personal space in Chengdu: unlikely. Personal space at Ikea: no freaking way.

After 30 minutes defending our rightful order, we could see the hazy, smoggy light on the other side of the Ikea doors. We escaped but not without first trying to capture the craziness in a several bad Iphone photos. I think you may have to see to believe.

I won’t be going back anytime soon, but I must say the prize was worth the price – wine + Christmas decorating REMAIN the best way to spend a Sunday evening, no matter what side of the world you’re on.